


Silent Lucidity

by littlemisstpk



Series: Rhythm on the Court [6]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), M/M, POV Alternating, POV Third Person, Post-Canon, Reconciliation, Songfic, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-15 23:29:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14800013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlemisstpk/pseuds/littlemisstpk
Summary: As Golden Week approaches, Yamaguchi finds Tsukishima's behaviour concerning, but doesn't know how to confront it without risking their fragile, reformed friendship.





	Silent Lucidity

**Author's Note:**

> As always, I take the song title of the mood-setting song and use it for my section title.
> 
> This time around, it is Silent Lucidity by Queensryche. Take a listen [here!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhat-xUQ6dw)

Tsukki went to the cafeteria to pick up his second coffee of the day, finding a good morning text waiting for him from Yamaguchi on his phone as he exited the clean room where he prepared his IVs. He texted back a snarky reply, glad that he was out of his coworker’s view to avoid the teasing. Tsukki either was losing his poker face, or letting slip too much information, but his efforts seemed to only minimize the teasing he got from Sato. Tsukki replied to those taunts by using Sato’s head as an arm rest, to his co-worker’s chagrin.

The text conversations never went into anything more than shallow banter or Tsukki sharing funny stories about his kids, the playful teasing only biting on the low hanging fruit for insults. Compared to how things used to be, it was stilted and almost awkward, but Tsukki knew how much had happened in the past five years that changed him irrevocably, let alone the twelve since he had last spoken with Yamaguchi. He couldn't blame the other man for his caution, just like he couldn't help his own hesitation at getting too close.

The topic that dominated today's discussion was that Yamaguchi was excited about an upcoming new project with Ennoshita. He was coy with details, but mentioned that he was looking forward to the part, and getting to travel back to Miyagi to film, which happened to be over Golden Week. Tsukki’s hand hovered over the touch screen, unsure of whether or not he would share his plans to run away to Miyagi that week as well, holding those particular cards very close to his chest.

Tsukki opted instead to leave the conversation hanging as he drank the last drops of his coffee, and headed back to the pharmacy and into the sterile room. To distract himself from the upcoming trip and the hanging conversation, he thought about his sons’ upcoming fifth birthday, and what to do to celebrate it and making it a happy time for them. Even though Golden Week dredged up horrific memories for him, he did his best to hide the full extent of his anger and anxiety from his children, who were too young to remember how their mother had passed away. With the twins having started school only a couple weeks prior, Tsukki had some time to do some quick shopping before he had to pick the them up from school.

~~~~~

It was the first day of Golden Week, and Tsukki found himself boarding the shinkansen with Takeshi and Takenori. The twins seemed to notice how silent Tsukki was, and played a quiet game in their seats as their father slept lightly, slumped in his seat. When Tsukki woke up at their destination, he found his boys using his thigh as a pillow. He laughed, thinking himself lucky that he hadn't woken up to a face full of kid butt, as if his children were very loud cats.

Tsukki's mother met them at the platform, rushing over to her grandchildren and enveloping the twins into a crushing hug. Tsukki received a much gentler version, and if he was the same prickly person he was as a teen, he would have dodged the contact entirely with a sidestep and a snarky comment. As a thirty-something, he settled for the hug that Akiteru had dubbed the “T-Rex hug”, with Tsukki using his arms as an effective barrier between him and the other person. His mother laughed, remembering his younger days as well, briefly tightening the hug before letting go.

Tsukki spent just enough time in his childhood home to unpack for the week before setting out to find solitude. His mother gave him a sympathetic look as she turned her attention away from her grandsons for a moment, her own complicated emotions and worry over her very proud and independent son coming over her face. Before he left the door, Tsukki did his best to give her a reassuring look, a “thank you" in advance.

~~~~~

Yamaguchi walked the familiar campus of Karasuno. It had been over ten years since he had graduated, but the location stayed eerily the same in the time he had been away. When Ennoshita dropped off the script to Yamaguchi’s agency, he was intrigued and amused at the story, which was a historical inspirational film about the back-country volleyball team that could. Knowing Ennoshita’s sense of humour, Yamaguchi knew that the director was angling for Yamaguchi to play his fifteen year old self, because of course the film would be about their team in his first year, but Yamaguchi sent a message with his agent that his acceptance was conditional on playing the role of Ukai. He didn't think he could play any of the students, seeing as he was now over thirty and there was a lot of focus on a band of fifteen year olds. Still, Ukai was still very young for a coach when he led them to nationals, only in his mid twenties, which Yamaguchi thought was more believable.

After realizing that he was a bit of a hometown hero in these parts, Yamaguchi stuck pretty closely to the set and the inn where he was housed, preferring to go out only when it was work related, or to catch up with his old friends who were still in the area. Even during these times, Yamaguchi was tied to his phone, trying to parse Tsukki’s behavior. Near the beginning of their new texting relationship, Tsukki was relatively open, and had plenty of snarky jokes to counterpoint Yamaguchi’s daily observations. Now, Yamaguchi was lucky to get a single word back at a reply, as often Tsukki wouldn't reply, and he felt lucky he had found out that Tsukki was visiting his parents over Golden Week. Yamaguchi couldn't help but feel the helplessness he had experienced all through high school, the anxiety of being shut out and not knowing what was going on.

It was during one of the impromptu class reunions with his teammates who remained in Miyagi that Yamaguchi got a hint at why Tsukki was being so distant.

“Shit, have you seen Tsukishima lately? He looks like absolute shit.” Tanaka had taken over his family's ramen shop, which was doing better than ever.

Asahi looked puzzled at this tidbit of information, wearing his Karasuno assistant coach jacket, and wondered, “Doesn’t he live in Tokyo? When did you see him?”

“He's staying at his parent's house for Golden Week,” Yamaguchi supplied. It was the only information he truly had.

“Didn't he find her during Golden Week a few years ago? I'd look like shit too if I walked in on that mess.” Suga sat back with a concerned look on his face, and his business suit slightly rumpled after a day's work.

The solemn air around Suga spread to the other two at the table, leaving Yamaguchi confused. There was obviously something going on that was gossip worthy, but it had been long enough ago that he was not in any social circles to hear it. It wasn't until Suga heard the confused sound coming from Yamaguchi that he explained.

“Tsukishima was living with a nurse when they had kids together pretty quickly. While they were still babies, he came home from work to find her hanging there.”

“Oh shit.” Yamaguchi covered his mouth in shock. Tsukki’s behavior finally made sense in his mind, so he made a decision to track his old lover down at some point over the following days.

~~~~~ 

After he got out of his Ukai wig and the pile of full body concealer that hid his freckles, Yamaguchi found himself retracing steps he had not made in nearly fifteen years. He found himself approaching the tree that was inexorably tied to Tsukki’s presence. It still felt like their tree, protecting Tsukki from view until he had nearly rounded the perimeter, and it was tied to memories of avoiding Akiteru when he visited home before it guarded them from onlookers while they took pleasure in each other. He found Tsukki looking blankly out to the horizon, his thick-rimmed glasses folded gently into his hands and his back melding into the tree behind him. Yamaguchi couldn't help but feel like he was intruding on a private moment, but as he turned to leave, Tsukki finally acknowledged his presence.

“Please, stay.”

Tsukki shifted over in the little hollow at the base of the tree, enough to clear a spot for Yamaguchi to sit with their legs and arms not quite touching. Yamaguchi looked wordlessly into the horizon, waiting for Tsukki to speak up. He could feel the other man relax just by having another person to share space with, but Yamaguchi was wise enough not to push Tsukki when he was this vulnerable.

It could have been the lack of glasses, or it could have been his emotions, but Tsukki’s face looked blank as he turned towards Yamaguchi as he joined him on the ground. There was barely enough room for the two of them to sit without touching, so Yamaguchi decided not to worry about their knees making contact, and Tsukki was not complaining at this touch.

“Out of the four years that I've been coming to this spot to get away from everyone, you're the only to actually find me.” Tsukki looked at Yamaguchi over the dark circles and bags that surrounded his eyes.

Yamaguchi let out a small chuckle. “This isn't exactly the first time you've come here to mope.” As his face grew serious, he continued, “I met with some of the old team yesterday, and you were quite the topic of gossip.”

Tsukki snorted, muttering something about “old women”.

Yamaguchi continued, “I learned just enough to know that I understand why you're here. I don't even need to know details. However,-” he leaned in until he was nearly nose-to-nose with Tsukki, “-if we keep going on in the direction I think we are, I won't be shut out again. I just can't handle it. I'll walk out; I've done it before.”

As Tsukki’s eyes widened in fear, Yamaguchi moved back ever so slightly and softened his features. “All I'm asking of you is to let me know when you have a bad day, when you feel like shutting me out, so that I know it's not my fault.” Yamaguchi placed his hand over Tsukki’s larger one, emphasizing his point.

Tsukki schooled his features into a pretty good deadpan, parroting, “I'm having a bad day, and it's not your fault.”

Despite himself, Yamaguchi smiled and jabbed Tsukki in the side, causing the taller man to complain about his spleen, despite the small smile on his face. It prompted a small wrestling match, until both men were flat on their backs, their arms intertwined.

After a small amount of silence, Tsukki asked about how Yamaguchi’s super secret film was progressing. After a quick threat about not spreading the information around, (“I'm a pharmacist, I know a lot of sensitive details about a lot of people that I can't share”) he talked about how weird it was to be back at Karasuno after so long away, and how Ennoshita found a good cast to play themselves.

Yamaguchi fell silent as Tsukki’s face darkened, and quiet permeated the air for several moments. He felt Tsukki flip himself around to slot himself fully against his side, using his shoulder as a pillow. With a deep breath, Tsukki began his story, about how he met her as a pharmacy student and how she spun him into a whirlwind romance, and how exhilarating it was to not be in control. It was something that Yamaguchi could easily relate to, remembering the thrills they both had shared in this very spot that were the brainchildren of the other man. Tsukki shared about how she had gotten pregnant so quickly, but once he found out that he was going to be a father, he was excited and scared, and how everything was good until it wasn't.

Yamaguchi pulled Tsukki closer into a comforting hug, not wanting to say anything in case Tsukki stopped sharing. Even when they were the best of friends, Tsukki didn't share very much about what was going on beneath his stony facade, and often Yamaguchi only knew what was going on only because he witnessed the event itself. The silence was deafening, but Yamaguchi remained patient.

It was when Tsukki’s entire body tensed and Yamaguchi felt his friend's face contort that Tsukki’s disjointed story continued.

“I come here by myself because people don't understand how angry I am at the entire situation. They think I'm sad, but I'm not. I'm pissed off beyond belief, and this is even four years on.” As much as Yamaguchi wanted to stay silent and impartial as Tsukki bared his weaknesses, a single laugh escaped his lips before he could reign it in.

Tsukki shifted to get a semi-look at Yamaguchi face, who sheepishly apologized, “I'm sorry, but I'm not surprised you’re holding a grudge for this long. It took you two years to  acknowledge your brother's presence at all after everything happened, and another two before you would carry on a proper conversation with him.” Yamaguchi paused thoughtfully, and added, “but that doesn't mean you're wrong.”

When Tsukki pulled Yamaguchi just a little closer and his shirt shifted ever so slightly, the wet slide of cotton against his shoulder that revealed Tsukki’s silent tears.

It was a buzz in Tsukki’s pants and a grumble in Yamaguchi’s stomach that prompted them both to pick themselves off the ground.

~~~~~

Tsukki entered his parents’ home, announcing his presence as he entered, loosening the grip he held on Yamaguchi's hand since they left the tree. This prompted a yell of “tou-san!” as Takeshi and Takenori stampeded loudly towards their father. Tsukki was able to pick them up, one in each arm, before they could bowl him over. Yamaguchi couldn't help but smile at the sight of his former best friend not only willingly dealing with kids, but dealing with them very well.

Before Yamaguchi could announce his own presence, he saw Tsukki’s mother round the corner from the kitchen. Where the kids were ecstatic to see their father again, the elder Tsukishima rushed forward with an exclamation of “Tadashi-kun!”. Yamaguchi felt the air forcefully leave his lungs as he was gripped in a vice-like hug. Any trepidation that lingered about what Tsukki might have told her left, leaving him struggling for air amongst the love he currently felt.

When Tsukishima released him from her hug and Yamaguchi was able to breathe again, he noticed the boys looking at him curiously.  He might have a reputation for being gregarious at press events, but that was simply him pretending he was Hinata and channeling his natural cherry.  After a quiet, quick hello, the look on face of the boy without glasses brightened, as he excitedly yelled, “You sound like Jiro the Giraffe!”

Yamaguchi was mildly surprised, as he was told that Tsukki did not own a television. Still, the boys were of the right target audience for when the show aired, so the kids being excited to see him wasn't too far of a stretch. He nodded, simply saying, “Yep, that's me!”

It was at this point that Tsukki spun around with a wide look in his eyes.  If his hands had not been full of tiny Tsukishima, he most likely would have been pointing at Yamaguchi. “so my children were telling me all about you for a full year as I tried to nap, and I didn't know this?”

Yamaguchi could only shrug in half apology before Tsukishima jumped into the conversation. “Tadashi-kun, we're about to eat. Would you like to join us?”

It was easy for Yamaguchi to re-enter the family routine. He found himself moving to where he knew Tsukishima stored all of her tableware and began to set the table. It was like twelve years had not passed, and he had just gotten his height and didn’t have a team of people to keep his acne at bay. He could hear glimpses of Tsukki talking to his children as they gathered drinks, and fully hear the boys’ wondrous reaction at how long they had been friends. As Yamaguchi placed the last plate on the table, he heard Takenori begin to yell excitedly, which didn’t last long as Tsukki made a subtle sign to quiet down. He supposed that this was a familiar routine for the three of them, as the two boys, still visibly excited, lowered their voices to a tolerable volume.

Yamaguchi smiled at the proof that the kids could be controlled. As Tsukki turned towards him, Yamaguchi couldn't help but think that while nothing lasts forever, that was all right. As he followed the Tsukishima clan into the house, Yamaguchi appreciated how the worthwhile feelings seem to come around to be experienced once again.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a [Pillowfort](https://www.pillowfort.io/littlemisstpk) where I post my comments about the manga I'm reading, as well as some writing thoughts. I'm always up for talking!


End file.
